Late Night Thoughts Over a Can of Beer...

Life's losses and gains in film and music are tragic, but imagine what it is like for the funniest and most talented people on earth in the afterlife.

Ed McMahon Courtesy: weblogs.newsday.com

(CALGARY, Alberta) - Johnny Carson’s thirty year sidekick Ed McMahon died on June 23, 2009. Carson, who died in 2005 has been waiting these four years to greet McMahon at the Pearly Gates: “Heeeeeeeeeeeeeere’s Eddie”

CBS is gathering all the old episodes of the Ed Sullivan Show and is planning to rebroadcast them in the old Sunday night time slot as The Dead Sullivan Show.

Sally Field gained her original fame as The Flying Nun. She still has a social conscience and wants to get back on TV. But her old order has moved into the 21st century and they no longer use the aerodynamically styled headwear. So, Sally is going to open a TV soup kitchen called The Frying Nun.

And, of course Michael Douglas gained his initial fame as a cop on Streets of San Francisco. He wants to get back to the small screen and still stay on the west coast. Unfortunately there aren’t any current opening on the SFPD force for someone with his notoriety (Gordon Gekko), so instead he’s going to operate a half-way house in San Francisco for a lot of the felons he put away in the 1970s. The proposed name for the show is The Sheets of San Francisco.

Turning to music, after making music since the early 1960s, the guitar group The Ventures was finally inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame just last year. As the still living members are all in their sixties, in order to appeal to their original fans they’re going to change their name to The Dentures.

Staying with music: what does Mozart do now that he is dead? Decomposes.

As a Canadian I have to reveal: What’s the difference between a canoe and a Canuck? A canoe tips.

Definition of a Canadian: An unarmed American with health care.

Mathematics: There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those who can’t. Really, there are two kinds of people in the world: Those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don’t.

A cement truck collided with a prison bus just outside Salem. Police are now on the hunt for sixteen hardened criminals.

Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their guide dogs.

How does a blind parachutist know when the ground is close? His guide dog's lead goes slack.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.

Why can't a chicken coop have more than two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

Where does a one armed man shop? At a second hand store!

What do you get when you cross Lassie with a pitbull? A dog that bites off your leg, then runs for help.

Why does E.T. have such big eyes? He saw his phone bill.

They say memory is the first thing to go. I wish I could remember what the second was...

If a monk, living in a monastery, takes a vow of silence, then talks in his sleep, has he broken his vow? If so, who is going to tell on him?

If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

There are only ten commandments. Here’s why. Moses went up on Mount Sinai and picked up the first two tablets and said: “Whoa, these are heavier than I thought. I’ll come back and get the others tomorrow.”

CHANGES PLANNED FOR CHRIST STATUE

Christ of Corcovado, the famous giant statue of Jesus on a mountain-top overlooking Rio de Janeiro will undergo major work this summer. Crews of large-scale sculptors are going to implement Phase Two of the Christ of Corcovado project, in which the mountain underneath the Jesus statue will be carved into a gigantic dashboard.

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one.

Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So, you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle.

My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.

He hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.

The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."

An aide to the Pope rushes in, all flustered.

"What is it?" the Pope asked.

"Well," the aide says, "I have some good news and some bad news."

"All right. What's the good news?"

"It's Jesus. He has returned."

"Wonderful!" exclaimed the Pope. "What's the bad news?"

"He's phoning from Salt Lake City."

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? We asked several well-known individuals for an explanation:

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the Chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken `”crossed” the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

TYSON: I dunno, but that ear sure tastes like CHICKEN!

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road; it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?