Rupture and Reconciliation: Fix-It for a Mangled Marriage

They poised their Cupid's arrows to celebrate Valentine's Week on a warm weather vacation as an incentive.

Courtesy: auspot.wordpress.com

(SALEM) - A good friend of mine almost had their long-term marriage in shambles. The issue was neither economic woes nor marital infidelity. It was a communications gap largely caused by very different personal and social values.

One of those factors was dashed expectations of what retirement would bring. He longed for the day when he could have "free time" to determine his very own activities rather than watching the clock at work and feeling a bit harnessed. She expected to have a hubby on hand to recruit for domestic chores and become as task-oriented as had been her tradition. He was more the spirit of spontaneity.

Their hobbies differed as well. She liked doing church-related activities and aerobics in the health club. He went for creative writing and doing volunteer work in the community, from mentoring to engaging in downtown upgrade civic projects. Much of his life had found him dedicated to doing such activities. The Salem home in which they lived was vintage 1977. That meant that is could benefit from some repairs but was not nearly in "critical" condition. They both intended to consider selling it within the next year or two if the market price matched the price at purchase.

As it happens, the female in this couple felt uncomfortable with her spouse. She decided last summer to move out for a temporary respite to meditate and link up with her faith more closely. She also read self-help books and did loads of introspection. Meanwhile, he learned to cook and pay bills and became far more self-sufficient. He also read self-help books and did the exercises. They continued to simmer vigorously and legal separation seemed inevitable.

Then something near miraculous happened. A series of personal incidents during their "sabbatical" made them rethink their behavioral patterns. They began daily dialogues by phone and discovered they shared some fragile spots. They agreed to move back together and reconcile their frayed marriage but now with a brand-new set of guidelines. This is what they proposed.

• STRUCTURED vs FREEFORM: They decided to have a planned morning agenda and leave the afternoons unstructured.
• NIPPING NEGATIVITY: Every single criticism would need to be combined with some words of commendation.
• JOINT FEEDBACK: Each morning the couple would dialogue on the previous day's progress and regress.
• WEEKLY DAY OFF: Time apart from each other would ease up on practicing co-dependency.
• DOWNSIZING: One hour weekly would go through garage items and decided which could be given away.

Both firmly believed in the Reward System. They poised their Cupid's arrows to celebrate Valentine's Week on a warm weather vacation as an incentive.

However, this would occur only if the Reconciliation Plan proved smooth sailing. Thus, they both had sufficient incentive to want to make it a success.

We await to see how this game plan panned out. Wil she and I live "happily ever after"? Let the New Year ring in happiness for both.

He also launched the nation's first tele-conference on health education for shut-ins, created the Eldermentors project in VA to pair retirees with immigrant students needing role models, and was the main catalyst behind CCTV's "Public Public" panel show here in Salem. Lee received his BA in International Relations and an MSW in community organization. He currently serves as a member of Salem's Library Advisory Board. To send Lee an email, please write to this address: luckycoyne@yahoo.com