Murphy's Law-Plus

A few you have heard and many more that you possibly haven't.

Courtesy: momssoapbox.com

(CALGARY, Alberta) - Avery's Observation: It doesn’t matter if you fall down, as long as you pick up something from the floor when you get up.

MURPHY'S LAW: If anything can go wrong, it will.

Murphy's Corollary: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

Murphy's Second Corollary: It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious

Murphy's Constant: Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value

Quantized Revision of Murphy's Law: Everything goes wrong all at once.

O'Toole's Commentary: Murphy was an optimist.

Murphy's Military Laws

1. Never share a foxhole with someone braver than you are.

2. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.

3. Friendly fire ain't.

4. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

5. The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.

6. The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.

7. The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.

8. Incoming fire has the right of way.

9. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.

10. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

11. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

12. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.

13. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

14. There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.

15. Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.

16. If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

Ralph's Observation: It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage

Firestone's Law of Forecasting: Chicken Little only has to be right once.

Manley's Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Moer's truism: The trouble with most jobs is the job holder's resemblance to being one of a sled dog team. No one gets a change of scenery except the lead dog.

Cannon's Comment: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

Scott's Second Law: When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been correct in the first place.

Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Finagle's Second Law: No matter what the experiment's result, there will always be someone eager to:

(a) misinterpret it.

(b) fake it, or,

(c) believe it supports his own pet theory.

Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.

Finagle's Fourth Law: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.

Gumperson's Law: The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.

Rudin's Law: In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible.

Ginsberg's Restatement of the Three Laws of Thermodynamics:

You can't win.

You can't break even.

You can't quit.

Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is damned near zero.

Ehrman's Commentary: Things will get worse before they will get better. Who said things would get better?

Commoner's Second Law of Ecology: Nothing ever goes away.

Howe's Law: Everyone has a scheme that will not work.

Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving Systems Dynamics: Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a bigger can.

Non-Reciprocal Law of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results; Positive expectations yield negative results.

Klipstein's Law: Tolerances will accumulate uni-directionally toward maximum difficulty of assembly.

Glatum's Law of Materialistic Acquisitiveness: The perceived usefulness of an article is inversely proportional to its actual usefulness once bought and paid for.

Lewis' Law: No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere else cheaper.

The Airplane Law: When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.

Etorre's Observation: The other line moves faster.

First Law of Revision: Information necessitating a change of design will be conveyed to the designer after—and only after—the plans are complete. (Often called the “Now They Tell Us” Law)

Second Law of Revision: The more innocuous the modification appears to be, the further its influence will extend and the more plans will have to be redrawn.

Corollary to the First Law of Revision: In simple cases, presenting one obvious right way versus one obvious wrong way, it is often wiser to choose the wrong way, so as to expedite subsequent revision.

Laws of computer programming

1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.

3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.

4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.

5. Any program will expand to fill available memory.

6. The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.

7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who must maintain it.

8. Any non-trivial program contains at least one bug.

9. Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.

10. Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

11. Never program and drink beer at the same time.

Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug.

Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.

Gallois' Revelation: If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled, and no one dares to criticize it.

Shaw's Principle: Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.

Law of the Perversity of Nature: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.

Law of Selective Gravity: An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

Jennings Corollary to the Law of Selective Gravity: The chance of the bread falling with the butter side down is directly proportional to the value of the carpet.

Wyszkowski's Second Law: Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.

Wyszkowski's Corollary: If you fiddle with a thing long enough, it’ll break.

Sattinger's Law It works better if you plug it in.

Lowery's Law: If it jams—force it; If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

Anthony's Law of Force Don't force it—get a bigger hammer.

If something moves and it shouldn’t, use duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD40.

Cahn's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.

Gordon's First Law: If a project is not worth doing at all, it's not worth doing well.

Law of Research: Enough research will tend to support your theory.

Maier's Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be rejected.

Peer's Law: The solution to the problem, changes the problem.

Bokonon’s Rule: Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before. He is full of murderous resentment towards people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way.

Carson's Law: It's better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.

The Golden Rule: He who has the gold, makes the rules.

Mark's mark: Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics.

Korman's conclusion: The trouble with resisting temptation is it may never come your way again.

Lennon’s Law: Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans.

Maugham's Thought: Only a mediocre person is always at his best.

Krueger's Observation: A taxpayer is someone who does not have to take a civil service exam in order to work for the government.

Benchley's Law of Distinction: There are two kinds of people in the world; those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't.

Johnson’s law of mathematics; There are three kinds of people in the world; those who can count and those who can’t.

Harver's Law: A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

Schmidt's Observation: All other things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin person.

Gibb's Law: Eternity is one lawyer waiting for another.

Rule of Accuracy: When working towards the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.

Wyszowski's Law: No experiment is reproducible.

Fett's Law: Never replicate a successful experiment.

Brooke's Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.

The first Myth of Management: It exists.

Peter's Placebo: An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.

Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labour: People are always available for work in the past tense.

Wiker's Law: Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.

Clarke's First Law: When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.

Clarke's Third Law: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

Segal's Law: A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.

Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself.

Hartley's Second Law: Never go to bed with someone crazier than you are.

Beckhap's Law: Beauty times brains equals a constant.

Katz's Law: Men and women will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.

Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.

Vique's Law: A man without a religion is like a fish without a bicycle.

Jones’ Motto: Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.

Churchill's commentary on man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will just pick himself up and continue on.

The ultimate Law: All general statements are false.

The Unspeakable Law: As soon as you mention something: if it is good, it goes away; if it is bad, it happens.

The Whispered Rule: People will believe anything if you whisper it.

The First Law of Wing Walking: Never let go of what you've got until you've got hold of something else.

Farnsdick's corollary: After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.

Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.

Law of Revelation: The hidden flaw never remains hidden.

Langsam's Law: Everything depends.

Hellrung's Law: If you wait, it will go away.

Shevelson's Extension: ... having done its damage.

Grelb's Addition: ... if it was bad, it will be back.

Grossman's Misquote: Complex problems have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers.

Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

First Postulate of Isomorphism: Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.

The Unapplicable Law: Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.

Witten's Law: Whenever you cut your fingernails, you will find a need for them an hour later.

Perkin's postulate: The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

Harrison's Postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Conway's Law: In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person will be fired or laid off.

Stewart's Law of Retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

MacDonald's Second Law: Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number then give it back to them with their invoice.

First Law of Laboratory Work: Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.

Handy Guide to Modern Science

1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology.

2. If it stinks, it's chemistry.

3. If it doesn't work, it's physics.

The Sausage Principle: People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made.

Horngren's Observation: (generalized) The real world is a special case.

Merkin's Maxim: When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue.

Hawkin's Theory of Progress: Progress does not consist of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is right. It consists of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong.

Matz's warning: Beware the physician who is great at getting out of trouble.

Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Lewis' Law: People will buy anything that's one to a customer.

Law of Reruns: If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.

Shirley's Law: Most people deserve each other.

Galbraith's Law of Political Wisdom: Anyone who says he is not going to resign four times, definitely will.

Allen's Law: Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.

Allen's Axiom: When all else fails, follow instructions.

Allen's Distinction: The lion and the lamb shall lie down together, but the lamb won't get much sleep.

Berra's Law: You can observe a lot just by watching.

Cohen's Law: What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the facts, not the facts themselves.

Colson's Law: When you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

Comin's Law: People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.

Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:

1. An object in motion will be heading in the wrong direction.

2. An object at rest will be in the wrong place.

Goldwyn's Law of Contracts. A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.

Jones’ Principle: Needs are a function of what other people have.

Langin's Law: If things were left to chance, they'd be better.

Mencken's Metalaw: For every human problem, there is a neat, simple solution; and it is always wrong.

Sevareid's Law: The chief cause of problems is solutions.

Thoreau's Law: If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intention of doing you good, you should run for your life.

Peer's Law: The solution to the problem changes the problem.

Lyall's Conjecture: If a computer cable has one end, then it has another.

Lyall's Fundamental Observation: The most important leg of a three legged stool, is the one that's missing.

Pournelle's Law of Costs and Schedules: Everything costs more and takes longer.

Klipstein's Lament: All warranty and guarantee clauses are voided on payment of the invoice.

Klipstein's Observation: Any product cut to length will be too short.

Sueker's Note: If you need N items of anything, you will have N-1in stock.

Rosenfield's Regret: The most delicate component will be the one dropped.

de la Lastra's Law: After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.

de la Lastra's Corollary: After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws, it will be discovered that the gasket has been left out.

Gerrold's Fundamental Truth: It's a good thing money can't buy happiness. We couldn't stand the commercials.

Gerrold's Law: A little ignorance can go a long way.

Lyall's Addendum: ... in the direction of maximum harm.

Gerrold's Pronouncement: The difference between a politician and a snail is that a snail leaves its slime behind.

Mencken’s Notions

* When a man laughs at his misfortunes, he loses a great many friends. They never forgive the loss of their prerogative.

* An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.

* Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sure sign he expects to be paid for it.

* Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard.

* A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.

* Puritanism—The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be having fun.

* Adultery is the application of democracy to love.

Conrad's Conundrum: Technologies don't transfer.

Generalized Truths

Nature sides with the hidden flaw.

Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.

Interchangeable parts won't.

You never find a lost article until you’ve replaced it.

If nobody uses it, there's a reason.

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

You can lead a man to slaughter, but you can't make him think.

Fools rush in where fools have been before.

Inside every small problem is a large problem struggling to get out.

Spend sufficient time confirming the need and the need will disappear.

Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

Forgive and remember.

You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

In America, it's not how much an item costs that matters, it's how much you save.

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, maybe you just don't understand the situation.

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Design flaws travel in groups.

You get the most of what you need the least.

You can't fight the law of conservation of energy but you sure can bargain with it.

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Daniel Johnson was born near the midpoint of the twentieth century in Calgary, Alberta. In his teens he knew he was going to be a writer, which explains why he was one of only a handful of boys in his high school typing class—a skill he knew was going to be necessary. He defines himself as a social reformer, not a left winger, the latter being an ideological label which, he says, is why he is not an ideologue, although a lot of his views could be described as left-wing. He understands that who he is, is largely defined by where he came from. The focus for Daniel’s writing came in 1972. After a trip to Europe he moved to Vancouver, British Columbia. Alberta, and Calgary in particular, was extremely conservative Bible Belt country, more like Houston than any other Canadian city (a direct influence of the oil industry). Two successive Premiers of the province, from 1935 to 1971, had been Baptist evangelicals with their own weekly Sunday radio program—Back to the Bible Hour, while in office. In Alberta everything was distorted by religion.

Although he had published a few pieces (unpaid) in the local daily, the Calgary Herald, it was not until 1975 that he could actually make a living from journalism when, from 1975 to 1981 he was reporter, photographer, then editor of the weekly Airdrie Echo. For more than ten years after that he worked with Peter C. Newman (1979-1993), Canada’s top business writer (notably a series of books, The Canadian Establishment). Through this period Daniel also did some national radio and TV broadcasting with the CBC. You can write to Daniel at: Salem-News@gravityshadow.com